Why America is just as deadly as Australia.

I recently spent a year living in Florida and these are some real life questions I was asked by United States citizens during my time there:

“What does it feel like to come to a country where people wear shoes?”

“Were you amazed when you came here and saw electricity for the first time?”

“Why are you at war with New Zealand? You guys should stop bombing them, that’s so mean, they are a peaceful country.”

“OH MY GOD! HOW AREN'T YOU DEAD!? YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BE DEAD BY NOW! AUSTRALIA IS SO DANGEROUS! WHY HASN’T A SNAKE/SPIDER/DROP BEAR/CROCODILE KILLED YOU YET!? IT’S A MIRACLE THAT YOU HAVE LIVED TO SEE YOUR TWENTIES! AUSTRALIA IS SOOOOOO DANGEROUS!”

The thing that the USA fails to realise is that they have JUST as many deadly animals as we do, maybe even more, they just aren't as cute. Let’s compare:

The main animal that they seemed to freak out so much about was crocodiles, and yet I was in Florida, where their football team is called the GATORS, because Florida has a lot of ALLIGATORS. Now I realise that crocodiles are generally considered more dangerous than alligators, but let’s be honest with ourselves, they are basically the same thing, and at least crocodiles don’t chill on the sides of the roads in major cities like alligators do in Florida.

Snakes and spiders were another one that got mentioned a lot, and I cannot deny that we have many many species of deadly snakes and spiders, but let’s think about this for a minute. The average human being is several times larger than any snake or spider that exists in Australia, however... America has bears.

Sharks are also a major concern to the average American tourist, yet you are 50 trillion times more likely to freeze to death in a blizzard or suffocate under a collapsed snowman in America than you are to be attacked by a shark in Australia*.

When we view the facts in a logical format such as this, it becomes obvious that when it comes to the country you are most likely to die a horrible painful death in, I think we’re pretty well tied.

So we’re all fucked and our best bet is probably to move to New Zealand, where there are no deadly animals, and all you have to worry about it the odd air raid by Australia.

*All blog statistics provided by the wonderful people at ’Convenient Statistics For You Weekly’.